It took me a few tries of playing this before I realized it was a Flappy Bird clone, just not exclusive to the iOS.  Granted, there are a few amusing elements that make this worth a download.  Of course, the gameplay is as simple as tapping the screen repeatedly.  You can play it on a bus, in a doctor’s office lobby, hell, you might even play in traffic, but I wouldn’t recommend it.  Enough fucking morons on the road without you flapping your bird in the middle of it all!

When you start this game up, you will notice that it has similar artwork to flappy bird, but instead of navigating a run of vaguely Nintendo-esque green pipes, you flap through blocks.  I am pretty sure you are flapping a box, though…. Yea, further research has revealed it’s a fucking box.  I am not sure if this was the intent or laziness of the developers, but you can certainly buy a new sprite for the “flapper” you control.  Ah, so it is more than just an epic heroic story about the box that taught itself to fly.  Here I was going to nominate this game for some dadaist art award.  Aside from a new flap to tap, you can also buy new blockers ( the obstacles you flap to avoid ).  In the default game, these are tall rectangular pillars that I thought represented the equilateral oppressors seeking to stop box-flight as part of their traditional beliefs.  But flappy box would not be contained!  His dreams would be fulfilled and everyone would learn the beauty and freedom of the skies!  Ok, so it looks like this was done to inspire you to buy shit from these people.  On the bright side, you can get a squid that flaps through some kind of cream-puff piles.

after almost twenty minutes of this game, I was hoping the vile was actually full of cyanide

Don’t want to pay some in-app purchase shenanigans?  Yea, me neither.  So collect the flappies.  Little fuckers are basically coins that you can use as an alternative to real money.  Granted, 2000 flappies translates to $4.99 apparently.  I’m not sure where the third-world country of Flappidia is, but that shit is way over inflated.  Whatever, send some goddamn republicans their way.  That ought to fucking devalue their fucking coin a bit!

As for free gameplay elements, your game looks like a sepia-toned screenshot of a similar flappy game rendered by a hipster via Instagram.  You can grab a ‘C’ coin and it will change the colors.  Just avoid the impending ‘8’ coin to keep from going back to hipster drab.  There is also a ‘V’ coin that lets you change to vector graphics and a shrink potion that reduces your size, cause sometimes wider isn’t better.  Then there is this random fucking power boost.  You hit this baby and all bets are fucking off.  Your little box goes kao ken x 100 and blasts through all the blockers.  heh heh, take that you fascist polylateral pricks!

The company behind this game, Mycaruba Studios, seems to have taken a name that is an anagram for Aycarumba! something that I thought Mexicans said all the time while eating tacos and wearing sombreros.  What?  I was a dumb kid that grew up watching culturally insensitive cartoons that literally cannot be fucking shown on t.v. anymore.  You know, Looney Toons.  Anyway, this game looks like it was made to torture anyone with tequila in their veins.  You are this little Rhomboid vessel with contrails streaming from your side-angles.

Somewhere in the ship is a gunner that is thoroughly bored with his life.  He refuses to aim or fire the weapons remotely fast, so, being the navigator and in control of the steering and thruster mechanisms, you are not going to go down without a fight.  Your job is to steer the ship around and hit the enemies with the immobile laser mechanism on the front.  Now, I designate this the front, because it points up at all times.  You steer the ship by touching the screen and dragging down, moving your finger left and right.  This is a little tough at first, but you get the hang of it.  Pull your finger down a ways, too, and you’ll have some, albeit frantically scant, time to react to enemies coming at you from behind.

Actually, I had a lot of fun with this game.  It gets me nostalgic for true retro games on my Commodore 64.  I say it is the enemy of tequila because that picnic blanket pattern changes colors, and when you get to higher speeds and start steering to dodge, it made me feel a little dizzy and nauseous sitting down.  Enemies are similar rhomboid shapes that will spin weirdly then dart after you.  Sometimes they’ll ride alongside you just to dip in toward you for the kill.  Zapping the little ones with your laser will blow them up, but the bigger ones take a couple hits.  Bastards.  I wish I had a screenshot to put up for this game, it actually is fun to play a little bit.  But what you see on the logo is pretty much it.  Just with more shapes and constant lasers.

The moral of this article is fuck in-app purchases.  I never understood them and while developers need to get paid, they don’t need to wring every last cent out of every player they can corral into tapping their shiny little icon on the Play Store or the App Store.  Fuck that stupid shit.  Both of these games are free to download on the Play Store.  Not sure about the App store, but probably.