Tag Archives: Videogames

Gear Up for Comedic Carnage

Posted on by thre3zekiel

gulogoOf all the things I love in the world, I love free games the most!  Now, it does bother me a bit when an indie game is free because it means, to me, that a developer is making little to no money on their title.  This article is going to assume you’re poor like me.  Granted, the Steam Summer Sale has made it so players can buy all tank parts and upgrades for only 8.99$, but the Steam Summer sale has sapped what petty funds I have, thus I am doing the old-fashioned way: guts and glory, motherfuckers! Starting from nothing, you will suck for a good fucking period of time.  The base gear isn’t terrible, but relative to some of the one-shot-kill weapons that lie at the higher end of the damage spectrum, you will be using spit-balls.  Each kill in the game gets you 30 xp, and for a while I thought the number of upgrades I could purchase was dictated by my level and xp.  Fuck no!  That shit is totally inconsequential.  At some point I noticed a number next to a G symbol at the end of matches.  For the sake of conversation, we shall refer to them as Gear Coins (GC).  GC accrual seems to be dictated by your standing in number of kills versus the other players in a match.  Each player gets an amount of GC relative to placement with highest being 4 GC.  These coins let you buy propulsion units, turret chassis, hulls, decorations, support modules and, of course, the weapons. When you start off, your tactics will be those of a mouse with a toothpick attempting to stab a lion to death.  You will wait until stronger players duke it out, and swoop in to make a kill or two before you are spotted and greased.

Of course, when you get the cash, you might want to invest in a new hull.  Hulls cost 5 GC each, and they are the main body of the tank.  The stats for hulls are Mass and Armor.  Mass is important as too much will make you a slow, easy target.  High mass will also give you fierce momentum, and could result in tipping your tank on sharp turns.  Armor is fucking armor.  More armor results in a tougher tank.  usually it makes you less maneuverable, but after duking it out with these mass-monsters I can tell you this: the easiest way to defeat those players is with speed and maneuverability.  A slugfest with one of them usually leaves you respawning.

spidertank

Spider-tank, spider-tank! It can do anything a spider-tank does! Shoot some guys, stick to walls, hope to Jesus you do not fall, look out! Here comes the spider-tank!

Soon after you get a little tougher or a little lighter, you should really look into propulsion systems.  Obviously, these systems are how your tank will be getting around the board, but use some imagination.  Some systems use the standard treads, which make your character maneuverable and speedy.  At times, they can be a little frustrating to  operate, but you start with a pair of these and you acclimate to them quickly.  Then there are the legs.  As you can see above, these fuckers are fun.  legs are considerably slower than other propulsion systems, but they enable you to get into positions that are hard to detect, and even harder to adapt to quickly.  Finally, there are the hover systems.  The one I took were the hover pads, and they look cool as shit!  Unfortunately, you have all the limitations you would expect from hovering systems.  It is tougher to stop yourself, you make wide turns, and generally have less armor.  Granted this also makes you speedy and allows you to hover over water, which can be extremely helpful in maps with bodies of water.  Everyone else sinks and drowns in water.  You hover over water like canon-mounted Jesus.  This makes unconventional strikes much more possible, which can bail out your teammates should you find yourself in a team match.  These systems will affect your armor, mass and max velocity and cost 5GC.

Turrets are interesting.  They can look crazy, with one basically being a fish.  Yea, really.  The main stat featured on this weapon-mounting part is the rotation speed.  I bought a turret with good armor without consulting the turn radius.  This left me with a turret that turns a bit slower than I like, but some extra armor.  Since I use a minguns a lot, this can cause some issues with my accuracy, leaving my turret to catch up with my own mouse speed.  Luckily, I can use the momentum of my tank to turn my body and level my weapon quicker, due to my hover pads.  Support parts will also find their home here on either side of the main weapon, and sometimes above.  Did I mention the ability to have multiple weapons?  My new turret also let me attach a secondary weapon, but you don’t fire simultaneously.  You have to select the fire mode.  Turrets also affect mass and armor and are currently 4GC.

I came in playing deathmatch which is free for all, so not killing everything is sight took a little getting used too.. Even when they were the same color, and screaing at me to stop...

I came in playing deathmatch which is free for all, so not killing everything is sight took a little getting used too.. Even when they were the same color, and screaming at me to stop…

Support modules have a wide range of uses that let you customize how you will fight with your tank.  You can get wings for a smoother landing, anti-gravity for a little speed-boost, lawnmower fans for that hover effect; if you have an urge or proclivity, the support modules will be able to serve it.  These babies attach to your turret and add a little something extra to the style and design of your tank.  None of them add anything extra to your tank (that I could find) but that doesn’t mean they won’t later.  Also, you can get training wheels, for, you know, if your tank flips alot.  Support Modules tend to cost about 5GC each. Flags and decorations are another extra little piece of the game that fall into the “shits and giggles” category.  You know those little red flags that the “special” kid down the street had on his bike as a kid?  Were you that kid?  Now you can laugh in your enemies faces as you blast them apart with your little red flag on the back.  You can also add a wind-up key to the back of your tank, for some kicks or add an ice-cream cone to the top to lure in the unsuspecting.  Bwah ha ha ha!  That’s not an ice cream cone!  It’s a 50 calibur anti-infantry round!  These items vary in costs.  Samurai flag? 100GC, some items are only 1 or 2 GC, though.

The minigun's connected to the weapon chasis, the weapon chasis's connected to the tank hull...

The rocket-launcher’s connected to the weapon chasis, the weapon chasis’s connected to the tank hull…

Finally, we come to my favorite part of the game: your weaponry.  I after some experimentation, I have found that I am deadly with the miniguns.  When I installed my hoverpads, though, it made it tougher to aim with my guns and I had to change over to something explosive with higher damage.  But the hoverpads made it easier to compensate for the lower rotation speed of my turret by fishtailing out of sharp turns.  Of course, the turn speed on my turret was still a bit inhibiting, but I could mount a secondary weapon that could let me vary my attack strategy on the fly.  Maybe get a shotgun attachment to supplement my minigun for when I close in on enemies?  I never got a really good chance to experiment with a lot of the other parts, but I was only playing for about 3 hours.  In that time I got enough GC to buy 1 new propulsion system, 2 new guns and 1 new turret.

Gear Up is a great title, but the graphics themselves warrant a moment to mention.  They look really nice.  Sometimes the bloom is a little bright, but everything looks really good.  Its look has a sort of plastic feel that gives you the idea of playing with tanks in your sandbox as a kid.  The fact that your tank can sport little wind-up keys and other fun things only further evoke this playful atmosphere while you blast foes apart.  You won’t always win (in fact you won’t win much to start at all) but that’s ok, because the game itself just feels like a fun romp.  It reminds me of Scorched Earth, the stationary tank-game that the Worms franchise was loosely related to.  It is really just a fun way to waste some time with friends.  This is sure to be a LAN party favorite.  This game might be another pre-release title made possible by Steam Greenlight, but it’s worth every penny of.. O, yea!  It’s fucking FREE!  Yea, I would pay a couple bucks for this game, it is that much fun.  Get more updates direct from Doctor Entertainment AB on their blog!  I know I will be!  I mean they were good enough to add a ticket to explain that the red rocket pickup increases your damage 50% and the blue armor pickup halves the damage you take when hit.  This is clearly a group of Devs who care about their game and what their players think.

So with all the fun to be had here, what about the game pisses me off?  I’ll fucking tell you!  The power-ups!  I am pretty fucking sure that some of them do absolutely fucking nothing.  There is the ammo pick-up and the health pick-up.  Those are obvious.  I have also noticed it is a bit tougher to kill guys after they get the Shield power-up.  But what they FUCK is with that red bullet?  I mean, I don’t feel much more powerful after grabbing it, and it sure as shit doesn’t give me red tracers, so its nebulous effects are as indistinct as fly fart at a Dragonforce concert.  And then there are the colors!  O, boy I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten my ass nuked when I went after an ammo pickup rather than the health!  O FUCK ME!  I am a MAN!  I tend toward COLOR-BLINDNESS!  When I am speeding around the map trying to dodge the incoming rain of hellfire missiles, I don’t want to have to stop and contemplate which of the faint, holographic colors I am searching for in the MASSIVE BLINDING FOG OF  BLOOM!  Fo’ serious!  O, well.  Maybe they will make a sunglasses support module later on and that will help me see what the fuck is going on.

How to Survive, MacGyver vs. zombies

Posted on by thre3zekiel

how-to-survive-cover

 

By this time everyone is getting tired of killing zombies.  From pixelation to paradise, we’ve all smashed more brains and likewise been ripped apart more times than should really be socially acceptable.  Why is this? Well, zombies are safe enemies.  They are person-like enough to be fun to kill, but are clearly monsters, so the deranged soccer-moms of America can’t really blame zombie-slaying for the downfall of western civilization.  More safe than zapping aliens, as that would just be xenophobia and in some cases their belief systems are just echoes of our own xenophobic issues…<cough> Halo </cough>  Yes, zombies are our little squishy rage receptacles, and H2S takes the love of zombie-slaying to isometric levels.

Among the first things that I noticed when starting this game up is its insistence upon issues controls at me like I am holding an xbox controller.  Also, it’s an isometric action RPG.  Like Legend of Zelda with less magic, more zombies and gallons of blood.  Your character of choice washes up on the shore of some island with a random asshole nearby coughing and gasping for air.  Me, I would have just taken the stick he gave me and bashed his brains out with it.  One less zombie to fight later, but it seems this game is more merciful than I am.  You leave the guy to his fate.  Christ.  I would have taken the stick to the head option.

Also, after getting that guy some pain-killing plants to munch on, he gives you a stick.  He even says you won’t survive without it!  Lovely.  Now the only thing keeping me from the precipice of doom is a flimsy piece of wood.  You’ll use it initially to bash in zombie brains, then later you use sticks for crafting.  Alongside some other detritus and pickups, you will find these floating books left behind by a mystical russian sage in a welder’s mask named Kovac.  It is pretty clear that Kovac is a few screws short as he had so perfected the art of survival that he now writes manuals chapter by chapter and leaves them across the various islands you’ll explore.  All this is done for the benefit of anyone else that might end up on his zombie-infested archipelago.  O, yea, this takes place on some tropical islands, but don’t worry, there are no luxury hotels or rap-singers.  Just a russian guy and some zombies. O, and the odd survivor or two.

againstwall

She looks royally fucked. I met a couple gameover screens putting my back against a wall.

Probably the best element of this game is the crafting system.  Your character runs around grabbing items pieces of useless junk, such as harpoon grips and air tanks, and uses them to build shotguns and pistols which fire screws, nuts and bolts.  Hence why I reference the 80’s tv show MacGyver: the original “guy who could go into the woods with a q-tip and build a shopping mall”.  My personal favorite was the boomerang made of two sharpened bones you tied together.  That just screams terrible, messy death.  Especially when you meet some of the bosses in this game.  Shit, man!  I was playing solo, but you can easily play a local game (on your fucking computer) and run around with another player blasting zombies.  At some points you’ll be glad to have that other player.  Numerous times alone at night I have had to flip around while fighting off a horde of zombies with just a bow to shine my flashlight at the night zombies, which hate the light.  That stalls them long enough to kill a couple more enemies attacking your front.  Such frantic gameplay, however, is easily avoided by bringing a buddy.  Sure, there are other survivors in this game, but most of them are either content hiding on their personal island and writing manuals for everyone else or they die terribly.  There is also the off chance they are just disabled, but yea, not helpful.  One NPC that follows you around just seems to be the guy that knows where everything is.  That’s Ramon, and he is obviously someone’s latino grandfather.  A little on the stereotypical side, he calls you papa at some points and uses other spanish terms.  It gets uncomfortable after a while.

Your character progresses to meet the challenges presented by leveling up.  Each kills, direct or otherwise, gets you exp and those points get you skills, like making crossbows or better aim.  There are skills oriented toward survival, too.  Mostly oriented toward the necessity mechanics of the game.  There are three things you need to do in this game: eat, drink and sleep.  Neglecting any of them results in your demise.  You can hunt wild animals, but carrying bloody predictably makes you a zed-magnet and you have to cook it before consumption.  There are wild fruits, which replenish thirst and hunger but also give you diarrhea if you eat too many.  Then there are the roots.  You can find things like cassavas everywhere, but these are gross and replenish only hunger, but they keep you from dying and you can eat all of them with no negative effects.  For water the game places freshwater wells throughout the game and allows you to fill empty bottles with the water, for drinking on the go.

Then there is sleep.  Your character can only sleep at designated locations throughout the game.  Little safehouses built by Kovac and out fitted with beds, a savepoint and a blaring loud siren.  O, yea, this fucker goes off and attracts EVERYTHING in the vicinity.  Not to mention the safehouse starts spitting out zombies at you, too!  So you have to run around in circles zapping gut-munchers and praying you can survive.  The third safehouse you come to was truly fucking irritating, too.  I only have my little homemade pistol and a bow.  I must have missed some goodies, though so I am heading back a bit to see if I can make a shotgun at least.

If that doesn’t sound frustrating enough, some of the fucking zombies have ARMOR on.  Seriously!  You can shoot them all you want with your pistol, but that shit ain’t getting through!  For those guys you need to get out your bow, focus, woo sah woo sah and release.  Meanwhile, a ton of little brainbugs or regular zombies (which get progressively harder to kill) are munching on your spleen.  At some points the game feels more like a test of your ability to cycle through you inventory, but going into your inventory quickly became my method of choice as it pauses the game.  I use this time to address issues of near-death, hunger or thirst.  There are also zombies that explode, giant fucking run-for-your-life-and-hide-like-a-bitch zombies that take forever to die.

"You say 'woo sah' to me one more time, jack, and I shoot you in the dick."

“You say ‘woo sah’ to me one more time, Jack, and I shoot you in the dick.”

Did I mention the natural problems you might run into while living in the middle of nowhere?  You might get charged down by a wild animal defending the watering hole.  Or perhaps you take a swim in a piranha infested swamp?  Yep, the longer you stay, the more you realize this island was set up by a secret government organization to vet the pool of 80’s action hero hopefuls.  There are all kinds of neat elements, though.  You can pick plants and use them to make power potions, craft poultices for injuries and other neat shit.  I would say get this game, but only if survival amongst zombies while building flamethrowers and crossbows intrigues you.  As of this article, Steam has this game on sale for 3.74$.  The DLC’s aren’t on sale, but altogether they cost only 8.94$, so this is definitely worth your money.  The sale is only good until June 29th, 2014, though, so get on that shit!

The game itself tells you how many days you’ve survived, which is neat and all, but I cannot help but feel like this game was supposed to go in another direction.  I have been right about this sort of thing before, too.  It seems like this game was supposed to throw you into a nasty, rough environment and force you to survive on your own.  No storytime, no Kovac and no one to help you but your own gut instinct.  I also feel like they might have allowed you to build your own base at some point, but the game never gets there.  Instead you just sort of run around picking up Kovac’s breadcrumbs and helping your mexican grandfather accomplish his dream of flying a plane.

There is one thing that pisses me off about this title, too.  That being the zombie tropes.  Every game that has zombies wants the game to get tougher than just making you fight the same bland living dead all the time.  Sure, they could just make them tougher to kill, but without an external reason making them tougher to kill (ie armor or helmets) it is a little cheesy.  Thus, since Left 4 Dead every fucking zombie killing game has had the same stupid fucking exploding zombies!  Just change the fucking skin texture and hope no one notices.  Then there is this large, pain-in-the-ass-to-kill tank zombie that charges you down. Seriously, people, if someone can’t get a little more original, I might just stop buying anything with fucking zombies in it.

Smallworld, Better Than Pit-Fighting Midgets!

Posted on by thre3zekiel

sw2logo

 

Originally a board game, Smallworld 2 is really just a board game on your computer.  If you have played the board game, just imagine playing that game on your computer.  That is this game.  Go ahead.  Just exit the webpage.  Yup….  Ok, is he gone? Good.  Now that it is just those of you who have never played the board game, let me tell you about this weid ass board game I found!

Essentially, it is 8 turns of mayhem during which you have to use several races to get you as much money as possible.  Apparently all the creatures and peoples of this mythical land worship the same god: The God of Gold.  I mean, you control numerous people across the ages and collect coins at the end of each turn.  The winner has the most coins by the end.  So, yes, ultimately it is a game about collecting more coins than two italian plumbers before the timer runs out.

First turn you pick a race, and each race comes with a little prefix.  These can be things like hill, mountain, seafaring, imperial, diplomatic, etc. And each of these prefixes adds a special feature to the race to which it is affixed.  Each race naturally has a special ability, so adding the two together can either seriously enhance or considerably weaken the clout of each race combo.  This is honestly the biggest source of laughs and chuckles this game has to offer.  When you get combos like beserk leprechauns or dragon-riding pygmies, you know there is something wrong with the world in that demented hilarity kind of way.  Like sucking someone’s brains out with a swirly straw.

My first race combo was Spirit Humans.  Humans just get you one extra gold for each farmland they end the turn holding.  The spirit prefix makes it so that they add one race to the number you have in decline.  What is decline?  Well, I am glad you asked!  You know how every absurdly arrogant prick you know has the same book about the rise and fall of the roman empire on his bookshelf?  Well, this is the only game that gives that guy a semi-reasonable segue to bring up that book.  As an empire rises, so, too, must it fall.  When your empire goes into decline, the army tokens flip over and extras are removed from the board.  Going into decline is useful and necessary.  In an average session of Smallworld 2 you will have 3 – 4 empires.  You will still receive 1 coin for each region held by a race in decline and you can have only 1 race in decline at a time.  Unless you had a spirit race.  Then you can have 2.  That makes it a pretty useful little prefix to keep an eye out for.

Damned imperial pixies with their Death Star! There is no way to beat that shit!

Damned imperial pixies with their Death Star! There is no way to beat that shit!

You may have noticed that each prefix and race has a number on it.  Totaled together, those numbers indicate how many armies your race will start with at the beginning of its turn.  Each turn your race will start from an edge and battle its way inland until it is no longer an effective way of doing business.  At the beginning of each turn, generally speaking, you will get additional forces in the number of regions you possess with a given race.  So, right off the bat, playing a race for more than 2 turns is a bad idea, unless it really isn’t.

On the topic of beserk leprechauns, that was my second race.  They cut a bloody swath through the territories of the battle dwarfs and skirted around my former spirit humans.  Leprechauns also have the added benefit of getting a pot ‘o’ gold on each region they own and, upon entering decline, each pot ‘o’ gold counts as 1 coin.  Unless some asshole cuts a fucking path through your territory with his stupid ass hill vampires.  Lame as fuck.  He got 1 coin for each pot ‘o’ gold he captured.  Same with the underground amazons.  Bitches…

Flying Dwarfs. Isn't the idea the same if you exchange 'dwarves' for 'lead'? Nevermind. Lead is less stinky.

Flying Dwarfs. Isn’t the idea the same if you exchange ‘dwarves’ for ‘lead’? Nevermind. Lead is less stinky, less hairy and less alcoholic.

Fun to kill some time.  And BOY do you have options on that note.  I mean, you can watch the bots take their turns.  I did once or twice.  Then I found the ‘FUCK IT I HAVE A LIFE’ skip button.  Then again, if you find yourself on your computer playing a board game by yourself you have the special kind of issues.  Of course, this game has DLC’s which do exactly what an expansion pack for a board game would do: add more pieces to a game with way too fucking many pieces already.  Luckily this is a virtual board game, which leads me to speculate this was the reason for making it a video game.  You can find this title on Steam for 14.99$, the DLC’s total up at 10.97$ altogether.  My special thanks to The Dead Sparticus for cluing me in!  I guess I get so steamed up that I occasionally forget to mention where to get the fucking game!

Among the things that fucking anger me the most in this game nothing.. NOTHING angers me more than the fact that they have to put MOUNTAIN TILES on the MOUNTAIN REGIONS!  They did this in the fucking board game too!  Seriously!  Like, it is a picture of mountains with a mountain tile made specially to display it is a mountain.  And does this mean that no one can traverse this ever so superfluous terrain additive? NO! It just takes MORE FUCKING PEOPLE to take that shit!  It is almost like those assholes over at Days of Wonder are trying to make trees a thing of the past or laminated cardboard into a new currency standard. GAH! I’m just going to leave this here..

dawg

 

 

Double-Up Discussion: AoM, Machinations

Posted on by thre3zekiel

AoMlogoToday’s post is about two mobile games: AoM and Machinations.  Not as a comparison, but because there are a lot of these types of games piling up and both are free.  Both have strong points and appeal to certain audiences, and both are vastly different from one another in genre and concept.

AoM first.  I understand that a lot of work goes into every game, and with that in mind I will try to be gentle.  AoM, in my mind, must stand for Arena of Migraines because I cannot see anyone deriving pleasure from this experience.  I also have no idea what the title stands for as I don’t remember that being explained in the game.  In AoM you play a robin hood-esque character clad in green with a bow.  You proceed through the level, often against your own will, by dragging your finger left and right across the screen while the green archer jumps up and down like Mario with fire ants in his overalls.  You then have to avoid enemies and collect coins.  I played the first level about 20 times before declaring loudly to the gods that I would be deleting the game from my phone.  Although my exact words were more along the lines of  “AaAaAURGH! Fuck this shit! I QUIT!”. AoM makes you feel a little better about games that make you unable to jump by making it impossible to stop.

On top of that, the game makes what should be a fun little adventure into a frantic race to the top using my least favorite of all game mechanics: the timer.  This is a game where you compare your frantic jumping scores with everyone else’s frantic jumping scores to see who can navigate the levels fastest with the most points from collecting coins and killing monsters.  How do you kill monsters when you can’t stop moving during a jump-expressed epileptic fit?  With the single most frustrating weapon to use mid-motion.  A goddamn BOW and fucking ARROWS!  Yes!  You just have to tap and the looney leaping pscyho ranger rather slowly launches a poorly aimed arrow.  Granted, if I was forced to jump constantly, I would also be taking a sec to get the shot right.  But look at that little bastard in the logo!  That is him!  No, not the one with the axes.  The cross-eyed bastard pointing his bow at the sky while a giant goblin with companion boar charges him down.  He looks like he can’t even comprehend the concept of steady aim on stable ground.  This makes me think his whole strategy is actually intricately designed by him to get his aim perfect.  Whatever.  I still fucking missed like it was my job.

I was fucking stuck here for ONE WHOLE FOREVER!

I was fucking stuck here for ONE WHOLE FOREVER!

But perhaps I am just not this game’s audience.  I could see a society of people out there somewhere who enjoy games with mechanics design to be as infuriating as popping pimples on your own back with much the same satisfaction.  When it is over, you can lay back down and relax with only the slight pain of having finished and knowing how much time it took to achieve this goal.  Yes, asia, that means you.  Honestly, the only people I could see enjoying this game are asians.  Not because I’m racist or anything, but because I have played a few asian games and I just didn’t ‘get it’.  I have to imagine that AoM comes from the same place.  On the bright side, this leaping journey through platformed levels can be yours on google marketplace for fucking free, so yea.  It’s a free game.  And the art is also pretty good.  Take it for what it is worth: hours of pointless and mindless amusement.  It’s worth it to play once.  I mean it’s free.  You can get it on the Google Play Store or if iOS is your thing, it’s on the iTunes App Store too.

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  Machinations is a pretty good play.  You are the commander of an empire of space robots whose only means of attack is to suicidally slam into their enemies’ bases until the enemy feels bad and concedes control of their bases.  Yes, I think at some point you can actually attach weapons.. maybe?  But as far as I got, there was some discussion about using lasers instead, which your main advisor/robot general just kind of ignored comically.  At the start of each level you control a node, which generates ships.  These ships can be launched to attack enemy and neutral nodes.  Some nodes level up to house shipyards (which generate ships quickly) or lasers (which zap anyone that gets close). In the story (loosely defined as generalized motivations) you had some kind of space empire, which has collapsed.  You are tasked with reestablishing your empire.  Now, that is irritating.  Now I feel like an intergalactic janitor/asshole going along killing the rebels and subjugating their people.  I guess it is a consolation that everyone is a fucking robot and it really doesn’t matter all that much.  But that brings the game down to the level of depressing as fuck, since it doesn’t really matter anyway.  Ultimately, nothing in this game matters though, so you can just put it down whenever you feel like.  Which ultimately, in a Nietszche kinda way, since the meaningless of it all is liberating in an absurd way. Machinations is a strategy game that plays similarly to Eufloria, but less trippy and bizarre.  Both still fun, but I would pay for Eufloria.  Machinations?  Well, glad it’s free.  I stopped playing when this game incorporated the most annoying of all challenge features of a game: the fucking time limit.  If you want to try the game out for yourself on Google Play, I would fully support the notion.  Want to see gameplay footage in action before you play it?  I guess everyone has their demands.  It’s certainly a game worthy of more time, I just get frustrated by timers easily.

Here, it seems, kamikaze is less a last ditch effort and more a first choice.

Here, it seems, kamikaze is less a last ditch effort and more a first choice strategy.

What pisses me off, then?  If you can’t fucking guess by now, I hate you.  I fucking hate TIME LIMITS, TIMERS and any other time-based game elements.  I hate racing games for this, and before you say that there is no time limit, yes there is.  The speeds of the other cars are the hardware by which the timing of the matches are determined, and you have to beat their times to get first place.  Any game that uses a time LIMIT in the game is basically adding a challenge and LIMITING the way in which you play games by timing you.  Some games do this well, and I don’t mind it when it is done well (see also Majora’s Mask).  But in a stupid little mobile game?  Jesus.  Feels more like the time limit was thrown in because they just couldn’t think of how to make it more challenging or even more worthwhile to play.  Either way, both games are free.  So cut your fucking whining.

Craft the World, Dwarven Shenanigans

Posted on by thre3zekiel

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Dwarfs have always been the fantasy race I love the most.  Long friends, strong hearts and a love of drink and mead!  And this title is full of all the best parts.  Battle bad guys, collect gold, dig mines and build to your heart’s content.  This cartoony game will keep you crafting to the last!  Another title in early access, yes, but it is a good time!

I’ve already placed time into previous plays in this game, but with its recent updates I feel it’s nearing a completed state and deserving of discussion.  The first couple times I played it, I was quickly diced to ribbons, so I recommend restarting until you have a little bit of an elevated platform above your surroundings.  Trust me, when night falls you will be glad you did!  Upon start up, you have one dwarf that warps in through a portal, proving they are descendants of an alien race.  You cannot move your stockpile nor your portal, hence the restart need to relocate your spawn.  Once you have a suitable location, you just follow prompts and missions.  These missions give you exp points, which help you to work toward levels.  At each level, your holdfast gets another citizen, but be careful to keep them alive.

Your dwarfs do everything from mining and building to fighting and fishing.  They gather resources, too, but you have to deliver all their orders yourself, making this a fairly active title.  As you gather resources, you’ll get missions to start crafting things, and making new items is always a good idea.  That’s how you’ll get armor and weapons!  You also level up to get a smithy for advanced projects, furniture and building pieces.  With these you can make some nifty living quarters for your dwarfs.  One of your early missions also grants you with this bearded totem-face.  That is what tells you how good their standard of living is, which is bullshit since the bastards are demanding as fuck!  They need all stone walls and secured doors, hand-carven beds and the finest food cooked in the finest kitchen.  But they build it all themselves (albeit under your strict direction), so I guess they deserve the satisfaction.

Creepy wall face watches you sleep.

Creepy wall face watches you sleep.

As you can see, you won’t be starting off with five-star accommodations, but you work up to it.  This fancy hole-in-the-ground establishment took a good hour in real life, a couple days in game, to create.  But you really don’t get much time to wallow in the luxury of mud-lain floors.  Soo enough you get to deal with all kinds of assholes.  Actually, every night a parade of skeletons and zombies come walking toward you, since dwarf is apparently a pungent and delicious dish, and bust your door down!  Not to mention ghosts start swarming all over your stockpile, and if you leave the stuff out too long, it get stolen by goblins.  Yup!  Little green shits, too!  At some point after the third or fourth day, you’ll have a tribe of goblins spring up nearby, and where the skeletons use their shields to boost each other over terrain, goblins build ugly little stick platforms.  So, it is in your best interest to build weapons and armor as quickly as you can.

In order to get all the materials necessary to move away from beating your enemies with logs while wearing lumber-plated chest armor, you need metal.  Sure, you might have to buy some materials from the Ogre Store to grease the wheels at the start, but coin is not easy to come by, so it’s not the best long-term strategy.  Dig deep and you’ll find nice-sized deposits of iron, gold, silver and even mithril!  If that gives you a bearded little chubby, then you’re playing the right game.  This one is all about getting materials and making shit with ’em.  Of course, it’s not all gold, gems and berry sprinkles.  Leave a mineshaft abandoned without lighting, you’ll find it over grown with snapping plant-life.  Or maybe you’ll unwittingly spawn on top of a colony of psychotic fire-ants with a taste for leathery dwarf-flesh!

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No, seriously, that shit happened to me!

You may also have noticed the skeleton timer up there, too.  When that timer runs out after a good 45 minutes, all hell breaks loose.  Alongside whatever other nocturnal terrors you cope with regularly, hell sends a warming party to drag you down into the pits of fire with them.  Often a boss will come through, too.  And walling off that side of your home won’t do shit, either.  They’ll knock down doors, tear apart your ground-hatch; shit, they’ll dig through a stone wall to get at your sweet sweet dwarf meat.  So the only recourse is to forge your way to victory.  The above images, by the way.  Those are from the first world in the campaign mode, and it’s on an easy difficulty.  I have yet to get past it, but I am sure the next realm isn’t exactly a picnic in happy-land.

Along the bottom of your screen is the hotbar.  You’ll be placing furniture, door, torches etc. out of this tray.  Equip is how you get your dwarfs to wear their armor (as if the marching onslaught of demons wasn’t all too inspiring) and craft is where you craft.  The crafting menu is pretty minecraft-esque, and you drop materials into various coordinations to assemble pickaxes, maces and everything else you can’t dig out of the ground.  Of course, you just have to click on items in your stockpile to learn how to make them.  Of course, blueprints of new items will appear in there depending on how far through the crafting tree you progress.  Technological advances are separated into various types, typically designated by the primary material used to make the items.  Moving up through the tree lets you go from sleeping on a bed of leaves to lodgings fit for a king.  Not to mention increasing dwarf inventory size with back packs, making better foods to keep them fueled longer and healing them faster when they go to sleep.  Aside from just the inventory size, each dwarf can learn different skills related to dwarf tasks.  cooking, logging, climbing, swimming, hunting; you name it, there is probably a book about it.  If there were female dwarfs, I might be scared what other books might get dropped.  Good thing each dwarf is cloned by our alien gods.

Of course this is a developer manor, but I don't have all the time in the world to dig stone. That shit is heavy!

Of course this is a developer manor, but I don’t have all the time in the world to dig stone. That shit is heavy!

Good for a return game after you get bored with a title you’ve been waiting to play for a year and a half, this one is always a good time.  It gets a little frustrating at times, but the message is always the same: this is all about a good time and freedom.  And after you build as far as you can?  Just move on to the next world.  Face greater challenges, fry bigger fish, make bigger castles.  Whatever your cup ‘o’ tea, just make sure you defend the little dwarfs, cause as stinky as I imagine they are (you sure as fuck can’t build a bathtub) listening to their shrieks and watching their ghosts drift away is a little heart-breaking.  Especially after you spend all that time and randomly-dropped occupation books to customize each dwarf.  And for only 15$ on Steam, you can have your very own dwarf colony.

Many things bring forth my ire, and in this the little shit gets annoying.  The dwarfs are like the ones from Lord of the Rings with a touch of Snow White’s infamous seven.  These guys can make some bitchin’ armor and weapons, but as cool as they look, they sound like adorable, dirty, stinky teddy bears.  Seriously.  They say ‘ow’ when they fall down from climbing trees.  They grumble and bumble and talk in Sims-style chat bubbles.  But that’s ok.  Just wait until it’s night and they’re asleep.  They’ll learn why Maxis won’t let me play the Sims anymore.  Just wall off the exits and put tapestries over the firepits and voila!  Instant dwarf roast!  Of course, even if fire mechanics in this game were advanced enough to do that, they would be the ones placing all the tapestries and walling themselves in like kool-aide sipping cultists complicit with the totem-god in their own mass suicide.  O, well.  You can’t torture all helpless little creatures under your command.

Why I went to IndiE3

Posted on by thre3zekiel

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Please read all of this if you start reading or close the webpage now.  So, for those of you following the IndiE3 event, you probably noticed a lot of shit hitting the fan over the last 36 hours.  If you go to the IndiE3 tumblr, you will see a public apology providing a vague explanation and a public apology.

 

Panels started on Tuesday. On Monday, there was a bad incident in the streams that completely flew past me. I won’t go into more detail, because we don’t want to bring issues for the people involved. I will say though, that it was a combination of our own failues that caused it.

– Zolani Stewart (@Fengxii via Twitter) Assistant Organizer via the IndiE3 Tumblr, June 11th 2014

 

At this point it is rather obvious that some serious shit went down and caused a wide backlash.  Many people were offended by said incident, even to the point where Indie Haven withdrew their support for the event.  They discuss their reasons for their withdraw here, which are fully understandable.  Their statement did, however, go a little further into explaining the crux of the incident.

 

We will keep details here brief, but an unnamed video game streamer this evening had a very disappointing experience on the main IndiE3 stream. To keep things brief her gender was called into question in an increasingly aggressive and unwelcoming chat box, with numerous fast flowing comments and not nearly an adequate number of moderators to handle the situation. While this was not the fault of the organisers, the short term organisation meant it was near impossible to handle. (…)

(…) As a site with an unusually high number of non binary, gay and transgender writing staff this is an issue of great personal importance to us and, in the light of a growing number of issues regarding the event, we felt the only way to make things right to the streamer and anyone else effected by these issues was to withdraw our support as a site. We don’t like anyone being made to feel uncomfortable because of misgendering and questions of gender, regardless of if they are Trans, Cisgender or neither.

-Laura Kate, Content Editor for Indie Haven, June 11th 2014

 

As an individual with a number of friends and family members within the LGBT community, I am upset, though not shocked, that this incident occurred.  While the Indie Gaming Community has members coming from all walks of life, this is an event that was hastily cobbled together from hashtags and duct tape on the internet.  Squeaky B mentioned on Tumblr that this event had no planning, was done as a reaction to E3, and  its marketing strategy was one of subversiveness.  But, Squeaky also goes on to mention some disagreement over a suggested panel idea that was shoehorned in; so, some of this seems directed at that particular point of divergence.

Referenced in Squeaky B’s post was Parlock, an individual directly influenced by this incident.  Reading Parlock’s post about his experience (his contribution is tucked in at the bottom), there is a lot more anger, but it is relevant and worth noting.  Parlock is also significantly less optimistic than anyone else about how IndiE3 will proceed.  Specifically, he feels it will not and that this marks its failure and ultimate destruction.

 

This entire thing was a shitshow, and I hate to say it but I’m glad it failed. It wasn’t a constructive or helpful thing, it harboured a lot of bad blood between content creators like myself and indie devs, and has really damaged the indie community because this was, despite what they say, meant to challenge E3. It fell flat on it’s face, a lot of controversy happened and the organisers are now pulling out from the event.

– Parlock via Tumblr, June 11th 2014

 

Now, first things first.  From what I read via the above channels, which admittedly is only a brief summary of what happened, a direct attack was made on someone through the chat stream and there were precious feww moderators appointed to handle the situation.  The reason I say I am not shocked, is because it occurred on the internet.  Earth is full of assholes, and even though they are not anonymous, people will still post whatever they feel like when they feel they are in the safety of their own homes.  Often without a second thought to the consequences of their actions.  It is a fact of life in the cyber-world that I find frustrating and despicable, but no less omnipresent.  IndiE3’s organizers should have seen something like this coming, but given the hasty nature of its inception, they were too ill-staffed to work all the angles.  As a result, multiple someones have had to walk away form the event.

Squeaky’s words were not completely misplaced, but there were a few points I have separate opinions on.  IndiE3 was not done as a reaction to E3.  It just wasn’t.  Inspired by, yes, but not as a reaction.  If it truly was done as a reaction, organizers would have gone out of their way to harass as many of E3’s supporters and websites as humanly possible.  Now I am not privy to all information about this event, but as I understand, the organizers disclaimed such actions by their supporters.  Another statement about its leaders being more interested in appearing subversive than actually leading was thrown in there.  Honestly, there is nothing wrong with using a strategy of subversiveness.  If I had organized, or a million other people organized IndiE3, the result and Modus Operandi would have been the same: fuck major AAA E3, yay for indie games.

I offer a few ideas for future incarnations of IndiE3.  First, take time to plan out the event.  I know I would have gladly been a moderator for their channels, had I been off from work.  If they would have pushed the schedule over a week, they could have added me to their list.  Sure, I would not have stopped everything from happening, but I would have done more than slap people on the wrist.  I would have gladly set their ass on fire for poking fun at someone’s gender.  That is their goddamn business, let it remain so.  Second, why does it have to fall on the week of E3?  Could it not be just as easily presented as an after party and not necessarily just a counter-culture version of E3?

I have no personal vested interest in TJ Thomas, Solon, Zolani or any of the organizer’s reputations.  I am concerned solely with the reputation of IndiE3.  Regardless of who was hurt by what, who all is angry about what was said, or what organization was shit, or who was responsible, consider this: if this IndiE3 fails and collapses like “a sumo wrestler with osteogenesis imperfecta”, as stated by Squeaky B, will we ever get another fucking chance to have an event that showcases the work, time, blood and life that Indie Developers pour into their games, often with no real return on investment?  And, yes, this is my fanboy coming out, and yes, this is my personal statement and no one else’s.  And yes, this is part of the point of my blog.  I came to IndiE3 to hear about some fantastic new Indie Games and, hell, I even directed as many Indie Developers that I could reach in time so they might have a chance at getting their games exposed.  Not because I like TJ or any of those other guys.  By all rights, I could really give a golden shit about the organizers, but the fact remains the same.  Because this event is occurring now, and because this is the only chance we get to have it, we should all be doing what we can to make sure it doesn’t just collapse into dust.

If it dies now, it dies forever.  A reputation is not easily mended and no one will go near it.  The only option at that point would be hoping a major organizer takes up the mantle, but that would significantly diminish the point.  This is an event that should be done by players for players so someone else can’t close it to the public in another ten years, too.  Reputation takes a lifetime to build and only seconds to destroy.  That quote comes from Robert Dinero in Stardust, and it is 100% true.  The reputation of this event is still growing and something like this has the potential to kill it in its infancy.  Do not allow this to happen.

IndiE3 is still going on and plenty of great games an discussions are still being showcased.  Squeaky and Parlock are entitled to everything they feel and express, but they are two voices that do not speak for everyone and on the health of IndiE3, they couldn’t be more wrong.  Indie Haven was right to withdraw their support and walk away, but they never said it was over for a reason.  Don’t fucking kill IndiE3, damn you.  Keep watching, keep enjoying and keep paying attention, because in the future we want people to say “Yes, Indie3 is still recoverable and doable” not “the IndiE3 concept is too toxic and its audience to immature for something like that to occur ever again”.  Don’t just think about the emotions felt and friendships lost today, when what is at stake really is SO MUCH MORE than any of the people involved.  Those feelings and friendships may be rent and bleeding now, but that can be healed with time and care.  IndiE3 is a unique channel whereby Independent Developers are allowed to connect on a personal level with their players, fans and supporters.  Period.  Nothing and no one connected to this event matters more.  That is why I came to IndiE3.

Hoard, Blazing Fun

Posted on by thre3zekiel

hoardlogoHoard is a game that features fire, gold and glory!  With an original concept and fun, fast-paced gameplay, this title makes me want to replay for hours and hours.  It would also be excellent for LAN parties, if you’re into that sort of thing.

In Hoard you play none other than a real fire-breathing bastard (no not Bill O’Reilly): a dragon.  You are a force of nature, indiscriminate destruction and robbery are your forte.  When I started I made it a simple 1v1.  You always play against a competitor, which gives Hoard a sort of real-time board game feel.  The game is really simple, too.  Destroy everything and everyone you see and take their money. </end article>.. ok maybe it’s not that simple, but still, that is how it plays.

You start of with a distinct advantage, however.  You always start in the center of the map.  That makes it all the easier to venture to other regions and bring your booty back as fast as can be expected.  Once the game starts up, there isn’t much going on.  You have to burn some windmills and crop fields to get a start, but you build up fast.  You cannot be everywhere at once, though, even if there are 4 dragons in play, and a society quickly builds up around you.  Once a windmill has a few fields around it, carts start to wheel toward the cities, which can be burned and robbed.  The carts won’t fill your inventory up and a dragon has a golden lust of immeasurable breadth, so a few carts and maybe a mill will fill you up.  Get that booty back to your lair, too!  Other Dragons are just as hungry for treasure, and will attack you for yours.  Which is a good way to slow them.

Snow? Fuck that! My internal temperature melts titanium, mother fucker!

Snow? Fuck that! My internal temperature melts titanium, mother fucker!

You are an UNSTOPPABLE MENACE! At least until someone stops you.  And fuck me do they try.  At first it’s like, “awwww, so cute, they think they can win!”  Then it’s “O, fuck me, they are winning!”  Once you are defeated (usually by another fucking dragon) you have to fly back to your hoard to recharge.  This is an unfortunate necessity, but use it to your advantage.  Attack your enemies and send them back to their hoard, you can usually get a full trip done before they recharge fully.  Once you get the gold back to your lair, you drop it off, a little slower than I image you should, too.  I was left wondering if the dragon ate the loot and regurgitated it back up in his hoard.  Or maybe he just sits on the loot chest and picks it up with his sphincter muscles.  Heh heh, I heard a hundred people groan at that one!  Either way, the more gold you get the higher your level.  Yup, you level up, and you use those levels for one of four stats. Speed, Carry, Armor and Firebreath.  All pretty self-explanatory.  There is no perfect formula, there is just what matches your technique.  Like fights? Get armor and firebreath. A little extra speed to help with those close escapes, too.  Want to loot everything in the kingdom? Get more Carry, you’ll carry everything you can hold in your.. uh.. kangaroo pouch ; ).   But that isn’t everything! Shit man!

So, as you loot and pillage and burn, the timer, which I forgot to mention, is ticking down.  The further along things get, the more loot carriers level up.  First they are wagons, then full on carts then there are the royal carriages!  Now this is where things really start getting good.  You burn the carriages, they give you loot AND your very own little princess to take back to your lair to terrorize.  Yet, it gets better!  They send knights after you to capture the princess back!  Every single one drops a respectable sum, too, and when her timer runs out, she is ransomed off!  I swear these people must shit gold.

Gives new meaning to a butt-load of loot! Ha ha!

Gives new meaning to a butt-load of loot! Ha ha!

Level up, grab as much gold as you can and when the timer runs out, the scores are tallied to see who was the biggest fire-breathing badass in all the land.  Does it matter that you can burn trees down with your fire? NO! FUCK no!  But as a dragon, isn’t burning trees going to be your first go-to on list of things to test out?  I know it was mine!  Psh, burn that leafy little bitch.  Now, you see in the right side of the picture just up there that little Stonehenge-looking thing?  Yea, that is your new best friend and worst enemy in this game.  Every so often it belches out little powerups that spin in the air like little, sexy pinwheels.  Grab that and you might move faster, spit fireballs, breathe ice or some other cool shit!  But if your enemy gets it? FUCK!  Get that shit, don’t let that miserly prick get it. Just don’t.

What did I miss? Castles, villages, windmills, crops, knights, archers: in this the Joker was right. EVERYTHING burns. O! DLC.  You don’t think all this is enough? Dynamite Roll! was the first DLC featuring bomb carts, which you light and they explode to kill things nearby.  That includes you so, mind the gap.  Sometimes cash crops will appear that give extra cash. And bell-towers in towns provide heal power-ups, and that is useful as fuuuck!  More achievements and more maps in this baby, too.  Then there is the Flame-Broiled SANDwich DLC which takes things to a whole new level, or rather, landscape.  In this one the game flies over to the mystical sands of a desert continent.  Everything looks all cool and middle-eastern, and generally speaking, it looks fucking awesome.  Buildings, castles, enemies.  Fuck, I need to buy this DLC as soon as I get some cash. And with the total package of everything being $11.49 on Steam, you best believe it is worth the dough!

With all the flying and burning, there has to be something about this game that burns my biscuits.  Well, there fucking is!  Each playthrough takes only ten minutes, so naturally, this is a game you could play once before work to get a game fix in, right? DO NOT UNDER ANY FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES PLAY THIS SHIT BEFORE GOING SOMEWHERE IMPORTANT!  You will play through hours in this game before you realize just how much life you missed! Seriously! Don’t believe me? Play it!  Each match is just such an exhilarating whirl that you will play another, and another, then you’re 35 and still in your parents basement! Agh! Luckily, I only got to 27, so I still have some good years left, but FUCK that was close! Also, those pricks on the Meta-Critic gave this a fucking 65. A SIXTY FUCKING FIVE! This is fun, graphics are respectable and it does its job.  It’s like they focused on the one thing that this game lacks, which would be any fucking story.  But you’re a goddamned dragon! What story do you need?!  Fuck those assholes. They deserve to fester in a dragon’s asshole for a bit! Give them an idea of what shit really looks like!

 

4 the King, Mobile Panic

Posted on by thre3zekiel

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I have an Ipad, it’s true.  Despite the fact that Apple’s image grooming rankles my very soul, there are some titles that come out on the IOS that I find worth a playthrough.  4 the King makes that list, and though it isn’t much more than a game I would play on a train or bus ride, it satisfies my game itch well.  Considering its indie status, I pointed developer Hypnic toward IndiE3.  4 the King was released Friday, June 6th.

4 the King is, at its heart, a Tower Defense game.  You have a lonely little castle in the kingdom of Sahana and for some reason witchcraft of unexplained origin has brought your vegetables to life.  Evil pumpkins, fly-traps and corn-launchers storm your castle gates!  Yea, it’s a little silly, but the lead in mobile games is one where you launch suicidal birds at pigs to knock over their houses for eating your children.  Just hire a mercenary, or better yet, entreat the UN on behalf of your people.  The pigs will eventually get sanctioned.  So, all things considered, this game is fine by me.

Initially you will feel some boredom since the early stages are easy. Like every other fucking game in history, but it ramps up pretty quickly.  By the end of the first realm I was scrambling.  And though I didn’t die until the first boss, there were enough close-calls to make me think I was lucky not to bite it.

And the first boss is a prick, too. Big as fuck and walks all over your battlements.

And the first boss is a prick, too. Big as fuck and walks all over your battlements.

In your divine wisdom as a king, you tell your people to huddle up in the city and fire everything you can find at the fuckers.  You start with arrows, which fire quickly for lower damage at multiple targets, and quickly add a wizard to your arsenal that fires slowly for higher damage at a single target.  You build defenses on the regions of this giant dartboard by killing monsters and getting money or taxing a village that is sometimes on the board with you.  You build up cash and put out things like spear-walls, magical fire traps, entangling vines and other fun stuff.  At one point I freed a tiger and got the ability to summon it.  No idea how, but fuck it, I got it.

You’ll also get magical enhancements that enable the enchanting of your weapons with ice or fire.  During boss battles, against mini-bosses and the middle of sheer bloody fucking panic, you will find these useful as they increase the damage each shot deals.  If you have a spell or defensive item you bought and that you want to bring out, you click the shield or… purple.. magic… button.. to open a menu and select the item you desire.

Between missions, you will have the opportunity to buy upgrades for your weapons, spells, defensive items and other things.  The money you get from missions will buy you upgrades,  Not the kill or taxation funds, but you get some cash for beating each mission.  And you can replay each mission as well, gaining you more gold to spend on upgrades.

Honestly, I am not into tower defense mods and games, but this one was caught my attention.  Sometimes you can get a natural barrier aiding you, like rocks.  When this happens, enemies that spawn behind them take the long way around, buying you time to react.  It’s not exceedingly tough, but again it has a sharply increasing curve.  You won’t beat it right away and you’ll get some satisfaction out of it, which is good for a game bought for play in-transit or during waits.

 

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A new realm, stronger weapons and diverse enemies feature in this screenie. Relevant if you want to see how things will change one realm to the next.

So what about this game wore on my nerves? Mostly the fucking tutorial.  The tutorial in this game frustrated me a bit. Tutorials in most games are annoyingly necessary rites of passage that you have to pass through in order for the game to let you be and have fun.  The first realm in 4 the King is filled with brief tutorials and explanations.  Not to mention, the tutorial has you touch the weapons to fire.  I thought this meant I had to fire tap the weapon to fire.  Granted, if you leaving shit alone for more than 5 seconds, you’ll soon learn to just let them fire, but it got me to curse at my screen a second. But for $1.99 on the app store, this game is worth picking up!

Want to try 4 the King yourself before buying just to see if I am full of shit?  Play a free demo on Newgrounds or Kongregate, ya jerk!

TerraTech, Constructive Preview

Posted on by thre3zekiel

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TerraTech is a game full of potential, which will be appearing at E3 2014, and I am hoping at IndE3 as well!  It is a solid concept built from the dirt up in Unity3D, and, of course, this game is an Alpha Demo, so please leave the screenies alone.  They were on the highest possible graphics setting.

TerraTech is like a combination of lego and erector sets where you start with a few simple pieces.  You gain more pieces by roving the surface of the alien world mercilessly destroying the cockpits of other vehicles.  In the beginning you have your cockpit, a body piece, a machinegun and some wheels.  The pieces are dropped on you like, fuck, here, whatever.  I laughed.  So I am driving around and I see some asshole with a couple wheels and a drill.  So, I naturally did the first thing you do when meeting other people: level your machinegun and prepare for battle.  After nuking his cockpit and leaving their corpses exposed to the extra-terrestrial atmosphere, I took their drill, which I affixed with a blue building beam (Psh, I ain’t fucking going out there!).  And I went off to drill some rocks.  After some drilling and a few battles, I realized that a tractor beam piece was used to pick up raw materials and parts.  Now I am that guy driving around with a whirling ball of resources and parts just chillin’ there, not in any kind of use.  Then I killed an automaton and found an AI interface.  Pretty useful.  That let me make an AI that would drive into trees and turn a little bit when fired at.  Eventually I saw this big asshole that had some neat yellow parts I wanted, so I killed him and took his pieces.  I am now the lord of the big alien world.  That is until some dick drives up out of nowhere and levels me, scattering my parts everywhere.

That's the smug son of a bitch driving through my pieces.

That’s the smug son of a bitch driving through my scattered pieces

I was not unreasonably frustrated, so I went on to see what else this little demo had in store.  Turns out there are some other really nifty modes for this game.  The first I saw was Rocket Mode.  That sounded badass as hell, so I clicked it.  I was greeted by an orange desert and what looked like a two year old overturning a giant bucket of legos.  My eyes instantly lit up like fireworks and I went to town, baby!  When I was a kid, my parents wouldn’t allow us to have legos for two reasons.  I have 4 brothers and that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE.  Not to mention we scattered toys with impunity, and my mom did not want to fall victim to the natural predator of bare feet – lego blocks.

This mode is a ton of fun.  They dump out a ton of blocks and say “have fun!” like a dismissive parent that just wants to watch football in peace.  I am happy to let him go, cause I have some wings, there are repulsors, some wheels ( those are remarkably important for a flying vehicle I find ) rockets and rockets and rockets and fuel tanks and rockets.  Now, they give you some advice.  Don’t put too many fuel tanks on or it will be too heavy to fly.  I nodded absently and started throwing things on like a kid on Christmas.  After about twenty minutes of sorting through the disheveled heap I cobbled together what I thought seemed a craft fit for flight.

To the moon! Won't be tough since we start on Mars, methinks. Mars has less atmosphere so.. ah fuck it..

To the moon! Won’t be tough since we start on Mars, methinks. Mars has less atmosphere so.. ah fuck it..

I know right?  Badass!  Upon finishing I hit shift and let it rip!  And it flew like a broken-legged seagull that ate a rock.  It was funny as hell though!  It dragged through the sand, did a backflip.  I imagine the little engineer inside must have gone to Space Camp as a kid, gone to Space College and even manned the centrifuge only to end upside down in the orange sand like “This is what I’ve become”.  LoL!  This was a difficult task, though.  I tried a few times and still could not get it right.  This is why I am not a goddamn engineer.

After my aeronautical failure I turned to Checkpoint Mode.  Again I was greeted by the joy-inspiring avalanche of blocks.  This time I noticed two GIANT sets of wheels.  This opportunity would not go unaddressed.  I immediately set to work placing my cockpit atop a massive yellow block with giant wheels and covered it with as many fuel tanks as I could get.  I would need them.  For propulsion I covered the backend of this baby in as much fuck rocket engines as baby-Jesus could pour from the heavens, and thus did I rock most righteously.  Immediately I flipped on the CD player, popped in some Hendrix, closed the blast shield on my helmet and engaged.

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky!

‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky!

I threw the wings on there because fuck you it looks awesome. Ha ha ha!  I enjoyed the hell out of this mode.  Granted, steering this beast was like trying to turn the Titanic by paddling with Q-tip, but I didn’t have to worry about trees!  I just hit the nitro and flattened the fuckers!  Rocks, on the other hand, still provided a challenge, and as you can see Ethan, Reece and Stephen did not feel threatened.  That’s ok, though.  My rig would probably blow right through whatever dainty little maneuvering craft they made.  I bet they used the tiny baby wheels, too. Heh heh.

So what about this game pisses me off? I’ll tell you!  The rockets!  I need more fucking rockets!  Seriously!  I could have gotten at least thirty more megatons of propulsive force on the back of that baby!  The opportunities I missed!  Ah, well.  This is an alpha mode, so I bet the Devs are preparing a mode for me where I have to attach as many rockets as possible to the back of a cockpit with wheels.  Then I can launch it into the horizon!

Beat Hazzard, Aural Mayhem

Posted on by thre3zekiel

beat-hazard logo

 

So this game isn’t new, but it is still a ton of fun… as long as you are not prone to seizures of any kind.  Then don’t fucking play this.  You will die.  Beat Hazard is a game that lets the player shape their experience in a unique and interactive way.  It’s mot new, either.  It’s been available on Steam since 2010, but no matter.  It just got a new DLC in April, which I have yet to purchase.  But since this game is never the same and it’s been such a rush, i will have to get the DLC and play some more.

Beat Hazard is a game with a new spin on ancient retro games such as Asteroids.  In fact, the concept of the game is pretty much Asteroids. But the twist is that you pick the soundtrack, and each level is as long as the track you pick.  So, if you pick something long like Stairway to Heaven, prepare for a long session.  So you are this little spaceship and you fly around the screen zapping enemies.  Usually a level starts with you dodging or shooting asteroids, and until you get some good perks, you’ll be starting with nothing but a peashooter.  But start killin’ dudes and you swiftly power up your weapon.

Getting modifiers makes the ending score bigger by the number of the multiplier. Duh..  And there is a cash powerup that can be used to buy perks.  The important ones are the VOL and POW power ups.  Then there are the mega bombs and your all important “extra lives”.

Now, the reason the VOL and POW items are so important is because they tell you how many dudes you can zap at once.  With both low, you can’t really do much.  Get your volume up and the music is loud and your gun starts shooting kaleidoscope plasma.  Get your power up and you get a wider spread.  Honestly, I got it all the way up and “Beat Hazard” flashes on the screen, and that is when shit goes down.  At one point, my weapon launched scintillating rays of plasma half the width if my goddamn screen!  It was a glorious spray of destruction that looked like Super Duper Saiyan Goku firing Kamehameha at Kao Ken times 10,000.  And it is just as much fun.  Dudes explode as soon as they come up on screen.  The screen edges, which wrap around, so flying projectiles could zoom around the screen until you nuke ’em.  Then there are the Superbombs.  Click your left mouse button to fire, but press your right mouse button and unleash a payload that decimates everything onscreen.  It even does significant damage to bosses, but that would be a waste. Why?

Well, it all has to do with your music.  I have found that the most dangerous music to play in this game is soft music like soft rock from the 90s and dubstep.  Yes, I have tried, like, everything.  Also anything with acoustic guitar solos where the guitar is the only thing you hear.  Generally, anything without a beat.  While the enemies will take spawn cues from some mystical element of the music, which makes their spawns similar from one song play to the next, the low-key nature of the music leaves you sputtering out a minuscule stream like you’re nervous at a pee test.  I have never been as white-knuckle twitchy as when I put Total Eclipse of the Heart through this game. I mean fucking seriously!  So, since the game is called BEAT Hazard, the better the beat, the harder you’ll fight.  And Dubstep? Shit, Skrillex fucked me up with those beat drops cause I would be going strong and then sudden beat drop, no ammo.  FUCK!

Also noteworthy, the bosses are HUGE!  They take numerous superbombs, but if you need those to beat a boss, you might be listening to Bonnie Tyler again.  There is this klaxon that sounds and then this massive fucking enemy lumbers onto the screen and you are all “OH SHIT!” and have to scramble to kill it.  And be quick about it because those other guys don’t just wait until you kill it.  They give you a 20 second grace period ( about ) and then shit goes full force.

beathazsnake

This boss gave me flashbacks to my childhood nightmares about the Junglebook.

The DLC’s allow you to add perks that do any number of things from starting with full beat hazard, more cash etc.  There is also a DLC that makes your game compatible with .m4a files and iTunes, but I felt like that should have been in there from the start.  The most recent DLC for this game came out in April and allows players to get mutiple ship that they can customize and some other neat stuff, too.  Overall, this game is a ton of fun and will have you playing your favorite music and experimenting with your favorite songs in new ways.  I have 12 hours clocked on this game and most music I listen to is 2 – 5 minutes long.  If you like your music collection and just want to waste some time, this is a great title to get.  And for $17 on steam you can get the game and all its DLC’s.  So go fucking play it.

So what about this game drives me up a wall? OMFG the goddamn visuals.  I have 12 hours clocked on this bitch, but no more than an hour in a row.  Even if you don’t have Photosensitive Seizures this game might give you a headache you won’t soon forget.  It reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where they watch that japanese robot cartoon.  You could easily rename this Super Seizures Song Spaceships and no one would notice.  Or care.  Still a ton of fucking fun, but I almost want to wear a damn welder’s mask.  Sheesh.